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Good grief: Loss deals a one-two punch

There is no way to prepare. No way to brace yourself or let yourself down easy. When a loved one dies suddenly or their death is perceived as sudden, your entire world is turned upside down and inside out.

Luckily, our bodies have a built-in coping mechanism called shock.

In a state of shock we muddle through the fog of hearing what happened or remembering what happened, if we were there.

We talk to people, go through the motions, attend the funeral, take care of matters that need attention and don’t remember half of what we have done or not done.

Life can seem like a dream. It’s not real. There has been a mistake. It was someone else’s husband, partner, friend, child or parent who died.

We may find our bodies feeling sluggish, exhausted, heavy, "not ourselves" and realize we want to sleep, sleep, sleep.

While our body, mind and heart can feel like they’re in a deep freeze, intermittent fears and worries about the future or "what will happen next" can cause us to be simultaneously on the alert (hyper-vigilant).

This mixture of feeling detached, numb and empty — combined with moments of intense apprehension and anxiety — are the double-whammy of sudden loss.

As the days pass and the numbness wears off or lessens without another loss, all of these intense body, mental and emotional reactions usually subside and the full impact and implications of the death on one’s life start to come into full focus.

That is when many people are surprised to feel the depth of emotions and grief.

"I was just starting to feel better," people say. "I should be better by now. What’s happening?"

We’ve just come out of the fog of shock and are suddenly confronted with feelings of anger, sadness, frustration and guilt.

Our fears, anger and resentments get misdirected at surviving family and friends or at ourselves. We burst out crying at the most inopportune times. We may try to "stay busy" or increase the use of stimulants or substances to "get rid" of the pain, to suppress it.

If you have experienced a sudden death in your life, here are some healthy things you can do to care for yourself:

Recall the past, events, memories. Say a prayer. Scream, yell, cry, wail, walk, run, chop wood, paint, make something, be creative.

But whatever you do during your daily ritual of remembrance, do it with the person who died in mind and in your heart.

By taking the time on a daily basis to grieve, the loss of the person who died (and all the ramifications of that loss) the moments that you lash out at others or try to hide from the pain, will tend to decrease. The overwhelming avalanche of emotions will diminish in frequency and intensity.

These suggestions do not make anything "go away" or stop the pain altogether. But they will take some of the constant sting off your daily life and leave you some room to breathe and catch your breath.

You can choose to let yourself be "out of control" in a safe, supportive environment and at a time of your choosing, in order to have more control over the rest of your life.

If sleeplessness, anxiety, depression and intrusive images persist, don’t hesitate to get some assistance. See your physician or psychiatrist. Contact a therapist.

For ongoing support from sudden loss, talk to your rabbi, priest, minister or religious mentor.

Contact the Center for Grief and Loss at Hospice Caring Project (688-7684) and make an appointment to see one of the counselors. Or attend their Drop-in Group for Sudden Loss (every Tuesday at 6 p.m.).

There is also a support group for survivors of suicide called WINGS. It can be contacted through Suicide Prevention Services. Call toll free (877) 663-5433.

Gabriel Constans is a counselor at the Center for Grief and Loss at Hospice Caring Project.

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