Santa Cruz Sentinel

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"What are you so upset about? It was only your ex-husband."

"Come on, get over it. You can always get another cat."

"Hey, you hadn’t seen your friend in years, anyway."

"They were drunk half the time. Who cares?"

"It’s not the same as being married. You just lived together."

"You only knew them for two months!"

"Weren’t they old? They lived a long life."

"No, you can’t come to the funeral. You aren’t part of the family."

These are a few of the comments that people hear and a small sampling of how their grief is disregarded after they’ve had a friend or family member die.

The losses they have experienced don’t match the images of who and what is acceptable to grieve for in our society.

It’s not just others who cause such pain. We are often our harshest critics. We internalize the conscious and unconscious messages we are fed daily. We are often confused with the intensity of our reactions after a death, when our head is telling us we should not be feeling much at all.

Our response to any kind of loss, especially from death, is our bodies’ natural reaction to the human condition, even though we analyze it, distrust it and, at times, find it hard to believe.

There were attachments, habits and shared time that will always affect one’s life. For some, the never-ending hope of reconciliation will have died as well.

Though we may have separated ourselves from the individual and learned how to fend for ourselves, there is usually some deep feelings of loss over the years they were not the parent or partner we had wished for.

Because they have died, the opportunity for them to change has died as well.

Whether two people living in the same household have their arrangement sanctioned or accepted by others does nothing to diminish the powerful lessons and connections that develop. We are intimately shaped, both good and bad, by those with whom we live.

Some people we’ve known for years have little connection, do not effect us deeply upon their passing; whereas, others we’ve just met leave lasting footprints.

The grief and mourning that result from the loss of a recent or longtime acquaintance is unique to that person, as are our needs in grieving their loss.

Even though you had time to prepare and say what you needed or wanted to, it can still seem like it came too soon.

There are times when no matter the person’s age, you want them to stay forever, and their death is devastating.

"They never accepted me. I should have known this would happen."

You have a right and a human need to attend the funeral or memorial of your partner. Your relationship with the deceased was between the two of you, not their family or friends.

How your relationship was seen or accepted by others is important in your adjusting to the loss, but not dependent upon it.

There are times when those you expect to be of help are not always able or willing to help. For some, it is too painful. Others find it impossible to stop judging long enough to listen.

When you can’t attend the funeral or memorial (due to the deceased’s family, distance or other circumstances), create your own ritual or ceremony of leave-taking. Invite those who will share your loss.

Relationships with people and other living creatures are what make us human. It is normal to question, criticize and judge ourselves after someone in our life has died. It is also normal to feel pain, frustration, anger, sadness, relief and confusion.

If you don’t get the kind of support and acknowledgment you need from family, friends or colleagues, then find it elsewhere.

Don’t minimize, trivialize or try to forget your loss. Find ways to acknowledge, respect, honor and validate your experience and the reactions that have resulted.

The Center for Grief and Loss, at Hospice Caring Project of Santa Cruz County, provides an array of services.

If you have experienced a loss from a death in your life, whether recent or past, contact them about counseling and groups.

Gabriel Constans is a counselor at the Center for Grief and Loss.

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