Santa Cruz Sentinel

Santa Cruz Style

Subscribe

Gitta Ryle survived the Holocaust, hidden in French schools with her sister, and was reunited with her mother at the war’s end. But she lost her beloved father and grandparents at Auschwitz.

Gitta’s years of family separation and loss were compounded with the recent death of her husband, Bob, from cancer.

In the last three years, Mrs. Ryle has spoken of her life during the war with increasing frequency to elementary, high school and college students. Her account of her experiences has brought history and its relevancy to the present.

What follows is the second of a two-part interview with Mrs. Ryle, in which she shares what she’s learned about dealing with grief. (The first part appeared in this column on May 15.)

Gitta Ryle: I still feel connected to those who’ve died. Sometimes at night I hear my name very clearly. Sometimes it’s my mother’s voice and at others it’s my dad’s. And I’ve definitely heard Bob’s voice.

When I’m doing things, like driving, I have calmness now that I didn’t before Bob’s death. I don’t know if it’s because of the time I took to grieve or not.

I allowed the process to happen. It wasn’t easy. It was very hard, and I don’t remember all of it. I know people came to visit me, but I couldn’t tell you who.

Somehow things finally changed. I can’t tell you exactly what happened, but I remember talking with my counselor one Monday morning and saying, "Wow, I see color! I see colors clearer now then I have ever seen them in my life."

I didn’t know that such clarity would ever come back, especially feelings of joy. I feel it in my body and a lot here in my stomach.

I remember feeling little butterflies when Bob would hold me and we would hug and be loving. I never thought I’d feel that type of feeling again, but it happened. Now I can feel both the heartaches and the joy.

I’ve had other deaths since Bob’s. My cousin died of cancer and an associate of Bob’s died suddenly. I have quite a list of deaths of people that I’ve loved.

When it happens now, I say a little prayer for them. I love and bless them. I show my love each time because they are part of my life. I think of the blessing that they don’t suffer anymore.

Most of the time I am OK because I have the comfort of tapping into those I love whenever I wish. I live in reality. I don’t know if they hear me or not, but you know that is not important. It’s important that I can use it for what I need. It’s a comfort that I need for now.

When you go out and watch couples, the age that we are, I realize it is something I will never experience. I will never experience being retired with my husband and having weekends away.

My old age will be alone. When I think of being ill without a partner, it gets a little scary. There’s nothing I can do about it. If it happens, it happens.

Helping others has been easy; it makes me feel good, it’s like second nature.

What life is about is getting joy from watching other people have

joy. I think the ultimate thing that I can do is give some peace, joy or understanding to someone else.

About a year after Bob died, I became involved with the Griefbuster’s program (for children who have experienced a death in their family). I have a lot of compassion and can relate with children.

Families are important. I had that and it was taken away. So many families now don’t have that connection, they are too busy working. I don’t identify with adults looking for the next goal, the next profession, where they can make money. I’m trying to simplify my life.

Today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow. Grieving is a deep thing, but it’s also your life. When you grieve, all your past comes up, your childhood experiences and how it affected you.

I hope when I’m dead and gone that I will have given some pleasure to others. That the children who have been in my life know that I love them unconditionally and gave everything I could.

I feel the same way with my children. I’ve let go of attachments to my children. I do not own them.

I am responsible for my actions and that is what I want to relay when I talk to kids. I try to show them that they have choices; and whatever choice they take, that they take responsibility for it.

The other thing I try to share with kids is to love themselves and to feel that specialness which has often been taken away by our experiences. That is what I’m really trying to learn. I can see the beauty of every human being around me, adults and children.

I don’t see it as much in myself, and that is what I’m learning to do. Self-judging, self-hate, self-abuse, we don’t have to do it. That is what I am here to do. This is my work. This is what I need to do to move on.

Gitta’s story and 13 other interviews with people who have used the death of a loved one for personal transformation and social change appear in Gabriel Constans’ new book, "Beyond One’s Own: Healing Humanity in the Wake of Personal Tragedy" (Crossquarter Publishing Group).

Subscribe