Santa Cruz Sentinel

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Losses, separation, absence, decay and death follows us throughout our lives. There is no way to avoid change and the resulting grief and mourning that follow. This applies not only to the death of someone we love, but to all kinds of events and life circumstances, even ones that are initially experienced as joyous and happy occasions. Weddings are loaded with unexpected losses.

Even though they can be, "one of the happiest days of our lives", they can also be filled with fear, frustration and doubt.

My wedding was wonderful, but it also had moments that I hadn’t anticipated, like our honeymoon, which began with us both feeling sick from not eating any food and drinking too much wine during the celebration. So much for romance!

When you first meet someone and "fall in love," it feels wonderful. You may eventually decide to be friends and lovers, even life-long companions.

But no matter how clearly and aware you are when you enter the relationship, it will change. You will discover things about one another that are annoying, that you don’t like or didn’t realize in the beginning and thus experience the loss of your previous perceptions.

As time goes on one or the other gets caught up in work, tasks and goals and doesn’t have the same energy or desire for expressing their love as they did before.

Every time something is not as we desired or expected, grief can creep up and smack us. Our parent doesn’t say the things we want to hear. A friend says something hurtful. We don’t get the job we want or we get the job we want and it is not what we had anticipated.

Having children, even with all its benefits and joys, contains constant change and loss. When I first became a father, the reality shattered my rosy-colored picture and expectations of parenthood. Along with the exquisite moments of love and connection were the awesome responsibility and realization that this child would be part of my life forever. The time and attention it required was astronomical compared to what I had anticipated.

Your child is hurt, you don’t like their teacher, or it get sick and you grieve. Your child grows up and you grieve its lost innocence. They move out of the house or go away to college and you are surprised at how much you miss them, even though you knew it was coming and know it’s "for the best."

Your friend leaves town, you move to a new house or apartment, you lose your job or a class or activity comes to an end. A movie or event doesn’t match your expectations. You have an argument with your partner, friend or colleague. You separate or get a divorce from your mate loss, loss and more loss.

We cannot stop the losses that are inherent in living, but I believe we can learn to live with them without letting them control our lives. Each time we pause and take a moment to acknowledge and identify each loss, we then have the choice of how or if, we choose to release the feelings, thoughts and fears they can generate. Once we do so, we can then bring our selves back into the present and enjoy what is currently happening in our lives and look into the future.

When we recognize the impact that loss has on our lives, we can also choose to observe the opposite. For every loss, there is a gain and a new opportunity for growth and change. When a relationship, job or friendship changes, it can create other opportunities. It also gives us the chance to practice gratitude and recognize the things, people, situations and experiences that we DO have. The glass is not only half empty (loss), but also half full and we can choose what we wish to add next.

Gabriel Constans is a counselor in the Center for Grief and Loss in the Hospice Caring Project of Santa Cruz County, located in Aptos. Contact him at constans@gogabriel. com.

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