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When a man leaves a woman (part 1)

We have the Mutual Agreement pattern of divorce whereby both mates are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart.

This couple often settles their affairs amicably and quickly, and may stay friends.

The Unilateral Pattern of divorce entails one person deciding to leave to the dismay of the other. There are greater emotional implications in this type of split, where the person who chooses to leave has had time to consider, reflect, weigh the options and emotionally detach while the left mate is caught unprepared, treated unfairly, surprised and abandoned. Requests for more time, counseling or opportunity to reform are denied. The process of this divorce is harder and more emotional due to the imbalance of power.

The emotional intensity is even greater in a Compounded Divorce pattern that entails the involvement of a third party. Here the left pte’s life to another individual. There are added painful emotions about immorality, betrayal and failure.

Within each one of these divorce patterns there are additional subsets. One of them is the one associated with the third party pattern.

I will use an example of a man who leaves his wife while the other woman serves as a catalyst for the divorce. This pattern can also occur for a woman who gets involved with another man and leaves her husband.

A man meets a woman in the course of his life, he spends time with the new adoring female who makes him feel very valued and desired. At first, he only lavishes in the attention and feels invigorated. With time, he begins to compare his feelings about the new admirer to those he has for his wife. If he decides to break-up his family and start a new life, he is likely to go through the following psychological stages.

1. DEMONIZING THE MATE: The man is a decent person who is aware that his conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. He begins to feel great guilt- yet, he continues his relationship with the other woman. In order to reconcile the conflict between his view of himself as a moral being and his unacceptable conduct, he resorts to demonizing his wife as a justification for his behavior. He ascribes to his wife many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. She may be seen as an inept person, wife and mother or even evil.

2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, she has been so for the whole duration of the marriage. The husband re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he has endured. He may say, "I have been unhappy in this marriage for 20 years" or, "She has made every day of our married life a miserable day." It is clear that it is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The husband assumes no personal responsibility for his role in the so-called "long-term suffering." He seeks approval and support of others for having been a victim, which in his mind fully justifies his abandoning the family.

3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The man retells his newly developed view of his suffering often enough to believe that his wife deserves to be punished. She is the "offender" and his "persecutor" and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. He believes that his wife is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him, sometimes not even those allowed by law. "She received enough advantages by having been married to me, she is entitled to nothing else." In many cases, he may attempt to deprive his wife equal, fair or appropriate access to the children. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.

4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all his vengeance, the man still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends and curiously enough even his wife. He wants her to accept that she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he had no other choice but to act as he did. Sadly, he may impart this view upon the children who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt the man experiences about having left his family for another woman continues to plague him. For many, the strain within the original family leaves permanent emotional scars.

5. RESTORING BALANCE: The man expects the first wife to accept his new life and even be happy for him. He wants his wife to take the full blame for his need to escape the intolerable marriage. Therefore, she should also accept the "new reality" and make peace with his new girlfriend or wife. Since the first wife does not share any of his reconstructed views of their history, she is often unwilling to embrace his new life. With time, however, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other for the sake of their children. Few former mates accept the expanded family and may even become friendly again.

To learn how to handle this divorce pattern, please read next Sunday’s column. "When a man leaves a woman, part 2."

Offra Gerstein, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Cruz for the past 25 years. She can be reached at 3333 Mission Drive, Santa Cruz, or by phone at 476-7666.

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